Living On Violence, Chaos, and Fear

Life is boring. 99% of my life is mundane, routine, and predictable. I do all of the usual daily life garbage. It all runs together for me, most of the time I can't remember what day it is.

I am on autopilot, I feel like a machine set to run until instructed otherwise. No purpose, no goal, just running. I typically feel useless. At home I pretend to listen when my wife talks to me. I try to answer with a relevant response but I usually fall short.

At work I sit, blankly staring at a screen until someone snaps me out of it. They give me a task and then I regress back to my blank stare.

I often think of all of the ways I could change this. But I never do. I continue on until instructed otherwise.

The other 1% of my life is fueled by violence, chaos, and fear. It's started to become mundane to me as well. I wait and I wait for the chaos to break loose but it never does. I barely talk to anyone. I follow the routine. Daily check-ins so everyone knows I'm still alive. Sometimes attend a party or a meeting somewhere.

Who's the new threat today? Who died? Who can't I talk to anymore? It's the same thing over and over as well.

I used to have a sense of fear and dread that something bad might happen to me. I worried about being watched or followed. Now I welcome it. Anything to break the cycle.

I live for the chaos and welcome the violence. Although nothing ever happens around here.

Another day passes and I fall deeper into the psychosis. Some days I wonder if I'm even awake. Some days I wonder if I can bleed, feel pain, or maybe I'm just immune to those things.

I used to chase punishment. Pushing myself to breaking. Seeing how long I can go with no sleep and little food. Staying awake mixing beer, adderall, and cocaine for that perfect ride. Even that seems boring and pointless. Every night just ended the same. In a hotel room alone, somewhere I've never been before, or somewhere I should stop visiting.

I just pack up and return back to the mundane robotic life.