I’m Still Alive, and I’m Actually All For It.

I never thought my life would continue after a certain age, like somewhere in my 20s. And damn if I didn’t live like it. It wasn’t that I wanted to die. I just never pictured myself still being here.

I had no plans, no outlook of my future, and no desire to give a shit. Sure, I had dreams of things I’d maybe like to do with my life. But none of those dreams ever went anywhere. I didn’t really care if they did. To me, still existing 20 years down the road just didn’t seem like a likely outcome.
I accepted this about myself and just sort of lived life, coasting around, doing whatever I felt like doing at the time. No real purpose to any of it.

This all came to a head about 5 years ago. My wife got pregnant. I didn’t know how I was going to feel about it, but I was sticking around to find out. I wasn’t interested in being a deadbeat dad.

Right before my son was born, a friend of mine was murdered. He lived in another state and my wife went into labor a day before his funeral. So I couldn’t attend. It really sucked, but I had a son on the way.

About a month after my son was born, my best friend died in an accident. This was the last straw for me. I blamed myself for his death, I still do. I was the one who showed him how to live the lifestyle that eventually killed him.

I felt like giving up, I wanted to just die and be done with life. I hated myself and I hated everything around me. I became a shell of the person I was. I was empty inside and felt like more than ever that everything was pointless.
I didn’t talk to many people I knew for months. I was a zombie. I woke up, went to work, and came home.

I’m not religious, and I don’t pretend to understand timing or fate. I just know, if my son hadn’t been born right between those deaths, I probably wouldn’t still be here. And if I was, I wouldn’t be someone worth knowing.

Having him gave me a purpose in life. I could focus on being a father and being present for him. He brought me out of a lot of dark times that I don’t think I could have overcome without him.

I still struggle with these feelings sometimes. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but sometimes I regress to my old way of thinking: What’s the point of being here?

Tonight I was reminded why I am here. My wife and I were Christmas shopping. As we browsed the toy sections trying to pick out gifts for him, I got so excited when we found things he would love. I thought about how excited he will be to open it on Christmas morning.

The idea of making his life full of joy is my purpose. No matter what happens, my goal is to be here for him as long as possible. I’ve been thinking about it ever since we left the store.

I can’t wait to see his face light up on Christmas morning.

For once, I’m glad I stuck around.